I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Don't make out with my wife yet
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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