Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
