Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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