I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
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