my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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