And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Randomize
