new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
