today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
