1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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