I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
