They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Randomize
