happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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