Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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