You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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