I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
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