I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
