Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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