The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
