I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I did not marry a roomba.
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