I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
