i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Randomize
