somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
