i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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