I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
