when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
