Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
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You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
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For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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