I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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