THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
