I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
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