if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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