I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
it wasn't lemon gatorade
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
