I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
