I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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