so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
