She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
My dad just said "fuck circus"
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
