Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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