I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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