dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
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seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
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He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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