I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
