I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
