I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Randomize
