So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
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