everyone is single if you try hard enough
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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