I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
