Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
