Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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