I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
