the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
You need Xanax blowdarts
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Randomize
