Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
We had to coat check the pizza.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
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