The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I am midnight drunk by noon
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Randomize
