I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
