I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
