it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
