If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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