Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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