so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
