last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
