Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
