How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
