According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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