My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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