my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
