Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
