I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
